Your Wellbeing: lessons from a pig
How often have we reacted to an immediate perception of what lay behind someone’s words or actions?
Revd Chris McDermott, Lead Chaplain at the Meeting House
You may have come across this story before:
Two drivers are careening down a country lane from opposite directions. The winding road is narrow and bounded on each side by hedgerows, affording little space for manoeuvre.
One of the drivers, a gentleman, is focused on the road and thinking about his destination. Suddenly, from the opposite direction, a car appears, driving at speed. The two cars just manage to scrape pass each other without damaging the cars. The woman driving the other car shouts "Pig!" as she passes by. The man quickly lowers his own window screen and yells back, "Cow!"
As he rounds the next bend he ploughs into a pig standing in the middle of the road.
How often have we reacted to an immediate perception of what lay behind someone’s words or actions in a similar manner: perhaps not ploughing into a pig but nonetheless flipping them the bird or giving them as good as we got – or think we were getting, or just shutting them out.
Behind many of the problems we experience with people there often lay assumptions that give rise to reactive energies that buoy up our picture of the person and shape the character of our behaviour toward them. Even if the intention was unkind or thoughtless, a response rather than a reaction will go much farther in the direction of building workable to positive relationships – with work colleagues, family members or neighbours.
Next time you are faced with an interaction with a colleague – or some other individual, especially where it is in your interest to have a working or positive relationship, try these steps:
- Pause for a moment and take a breath before reacting. Perhaps withdraw temporarily, if practical. Create some inner space for yourself before engaging.
- Notice the thoughts racing across the mind and the emotion evoked by the interaction, consciously naming and identifying them, without any sense of judgment – again, as far as this is possible. (Perhaps even making the effort, however successful, can make a bit of a difference.) The more you try to do this in ‘hot moments’, the better you are able to conscientize yourself to your own inner processes.
- Then try to connect with what the other person’s perspective might be – even if you disagree with it. Given that possible perspective, think about what they might be feeling and needing in that moment.
- Then re-engage with that awareness. It is likely to make a difference between ‘reacting’ out of that ‘fight/flight’ mechanism located in the most primitive part of our brains and ‘responding’ thoughtfully to the person and the larger situation.
Taking time to cultivate habits for responding to colleagues, family members, friends (and foes) can add a dimension of wellbeing to our relationships, and support us as we negotiate – and use as opportunities for enriching these connections – the inevitable differences and tensions that will arise at the best.
So remember, if you are walking across campus and someone yells "Pig!", pause before reacting and watch where you are going.