Bucky Balls speaks...

The spirit of the theatre fills me this week. I was so moved last month to see dear Sir Dickie in company with his Vice, both in such lovely furs, kissing the dear graduates, with their dinky little tasselled flat-tops, a fond farewell. And that nice man from the folk-song society who sang a ballad with Sir Dickie's Vice, and the award of the Betty Trask prize for romantic fiction to that sweet Mr Johnson...

Bless you, gentle readers. My Editor, a sweet young thing, is setting up the Bucky Balls Helpline, for those of you who wish to share your lives with me and Mrs B. Do write in to buckyballs@sussex.ac.uk.

The Editor, bless her, won't allow this column to be used to blaspheme our noble institution or heroic figures such as our great Vice-Chancellor, his PVCs (which Mrs B assures me used to be a favourite item of student attire in the heady '60s when she was a wee atom), or even the Arts Budgie Holder: "Bucky", she said to me, "Bucky, our role is to make the good people feel better about themselves, to highlight the positive, to bring cheer and glad tidings to all."

So, this sort of thing will be appearing in my column:

Dear Mr Balls,
I was on my way around campus last week when I saw a distinguished figure in fake fur performing the Highland Fling in the Managed Meadow. Do you feel that, in a modern campus university, Sir Dickie's Vice should be publicly exposed in this fashion?
Yours sincerely, etc.

What I most hope for is some input on rubber mats (as raised last time) - not to be confused with PVCs.

From my vantage-point in Chichester (not the town, the lecture theatre), I have observed the dear sweet academics beating desperately on the doors of the Fortress formerly known as Sussex House, resorting to climbing in through the letter-box, the tit-box and any other aperture. Any messages answering this week's conundrum - how to get in to Fortress Colditz - will be gratefully received.

I'm glad to learn that James Brown will be performing free for the benefit of students in Stanmer Park over the exam season. Look out for the students claiming that being asked to be a sex machine ruined their chances of a good degree. As Sir Dickie's Vice said, in a different context last week, "It's a man's world".